Fat Girl, FREE!

When was the last time you truly didn’t care about your weight?  Not in a “I give up, let’s pile it on” kind of way, but a carefree, happy kind of way?

It occurred to me weeks ago that the only time in my life I was ever truly at peace with my body was when I was pregnant.  I ate very healthy, was conscious of everything I put in my body, exercised, and only treated myself to sweets or junk food on rare occasions.  But the most important aspect of that time was that I didn’t care what anyone else thought about my body.  I was growing my babies, I was doing something greater.  My weight transcended the shallow plane of society.  I was becoming a mom.  I think about this time period often, and how successful my mind-body connection was.  (I only gained 25 pounds, with twins that’s close to a miracle!)  I was successful because I was focusing on health rather than weight.

I have a million pictures like this one… adorable family pics, minus me.

I compare that time period with the rest of my life which seems to go like this:  I won’t get family pictures taken until I lose more weight (my kids are almost six and still there are almost no pictures of us together in existence), I won’t put on a bathing suit on the beach until I lose weight, I won’t wear a tank top–ever, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t… see the difference?  My weight holds me back from living my life.  It’s like someone implanted a chip in my brain and that chip has stunted my entire life.

So, I wondered to myself, could I ever get back to that place where my mind is more powerful than my body?  Could I live in a state where my health carries more weight than my heft?  Thus, the Freedom Pact was born.

The Freedom Pact is a new pledge I am making to myself.  It works like this.

For the next six months I pledge to follow these three rules:

1.  I will think and act like a thin person.

2.  I will focus on eating healthy.

3.  I won’t give a SHIT about what others think.

The Bob!

This past weekend I went to the beach and put these three rules into practice.  I wore a bathing suit on the beach and had a BLAST with my daughters in the ocean.  I wore a tank top on the boardwalk and no passerby’s stopped to laugh at me and no small children were harmed by my arm-fat jiggle. And I took pictures!  Yes, I took two pictures of my children that I’m actually in!  Then, when I got home, I cut my hair into a cute little bob, something I never would have done before since I always thought I was too heavy to pull that off.  I guess in my brain I actually thought that some police force maintained the balance between the fat and the skinny, and that if I started doing skinny things like cutting my hair short and wearing tank tops, that I would be thrown down for upsetting the balance.  To say this out loud sounds ridiculous, but I know if you’re reading this and you’re heavy, you know EXACTLY what I ‘m talking about.

Needless to say, shedding the psychological chains that have been holding me back for so long felt liberating.  But I still have a long road ahead of me.  That self-poisoning dialogue is still in my head, it still plays quietly in the background of my life.  The transition to full-on freedom won’t happen overnight, but I’m making the effort and putting one fat foot in front of the other each day.  I’ll let you know how it goes!

 

 

 

One thought on “Fat Girl, FREE!

  1. You know what?! When I am on holiday, I don’t care about what people think. I go to the spa in Iceland, wear a bathing suit, and even go topless in France. I don’t care. I also lose weight during these vacations. Odd, this. Maybe the key to weight loss isn’t giving a flying shit about anyone else? You may be onto something here.

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